Last night i was talking to a guy i've only met twice. We were talking about local bands and the people in them and started discussing a band made up of really good friends of mine. The bass player is a lady. All of a sudden, he interupts me and says, "Can i be a really big chauvanistic pig right now?" To which i replied, "Go ahead, but i might kick you in the shin." He backed away a few steps, took a deep breath and said, "That chick is, like, SO hot. Like really really hot." I cocked my head and said, "I have eyes, dingus. What's your point?" He's all, "Well, i would never say that to her." ... ?
So why the fuck say it to me? He wouldn't say it to her because he knows she gives exactly zero fucks what he thinks. I also give zero fucks. ZERO. All my life my closest lady friends have been way above average looking. In school my best friend was probably one of the most beautiful girls ever born. That's not why she was my friend. She was my friend because she was funnier than all get-out, supremely talented, and kind. But all the way until graduation and beyond all i'd ever hear from dudes (some of whom i thought were hanging around me because of me) was, "Damn! Beebs is HOT! Does she have a boyfriend?" Fucking ask her. And for fuck's sake, why tell me that? I already know. I spent most of my time with her and our other friends - i am completely aware of how pretty she is. Just effortlessly gorgeous and fit. By the way, i will not "put in a good word" or set you up. I eventually started blowing off guys who stared at her but then approached me; why wait around for the inevitable, "Hey, your friend is a babe"?
It took me a long time to get over growing up in the shadow of that. Paired with two guys in 8th grade who sat in front of me on the bus every single day only to spend the trip turned in their seats literally saying, "You are so ugly. A real dog. No one could ever like someone so hideous", school was fucking damaging to my self-image, -worth, and -esteem. I don't feel like a beauty queen or anything, but i can look in the mirror now and not see what they said they saw. 90% of the time i just think, Welp, that's my face. The other 10% i think, Maybe i am kind of pretty. And that's huge for me.
This guy the other night? It's not the first time it has happened lately. Another friend of mine from high school i recently reconnected with wouldn't shut up about it all night. He even felt the need to inform her long time boyfriend of her hotness. Really? You think he isn't aware? These dorks won't say it directly to the woman because they "don't want to make her uncomfortable". It's not like i am slightly interested in either of these two guys, but if i'm talking to you i don't need the obvious shown to me. "Hey, that Redwood is tall." "Whoa! Lake Superior is huge." Can we talk about something more interesting.? Maybe i could actually learn something from you. But then again, maybe not.
And why hasn't anyone ever cared about not making me uncomfortable?