Monday, July 29, 2013

Wherein I Reveal Which Set of Gonads I Possess

In case you wondered, I am a woman. I have lady parts and two of them are quite large. Let me tell you, they’re not my eyes like that Zoey Deschanel or those chicks in mascara commercials. I don’t dig ‘em – let’s get that clear. I mean, they’re all right. They’re not deformed too badly and they’re kind of fun to play with and I get a kick out of it when lovers do their thing with them, but mostly they are cumbersome. Buying bras is a shitty experience. Every. Single. Time. Jogging, running and jumping rope are things I have to do in private or else struggle to contain my rage so I don’t punch a bunch of people’s eyes out for ogling. Something which I should not even be allowed to get pissed about because I have been known to stare gape-mouthed at giant and/or unrestrained bazungas. It’s just…well, when it’s me people stare at it becomes a problem.

Anyway, I digress. It’s just hard to let go of a resentment I’ve had since 3rd grade when these monsters first reared their nipple-covered heads, like mounds of flesh wearing skull caps of sensitivity. 
I just wanted to let you know that I’m a lady – not in the fancy, well-bred sort of way – just in the sense that I have lady ‘nads and all that comes with them. I’m sure you would’ve caught on but, you know, just in case…

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Yo! This is my disclaimer

In case you have sensitive feelers~
This is my blog – MINE! I write stuff, and I post it here. Things happen – I write them down. I imagine things – I write them down. I dream things – I write them down. I don’t feel any moral obligation to always differentiate among the three things. It should be pretty evident to the reader which is the case, and if not, I pretty much don’t care.

Here’s a helpful guide in the event you have some burning desire to tell the fictionalized facts from the fictionalized fiction:
Is the post completely absurd?
     YES: It probably happened or else maybe it didn’t.
     NO: See “YES”.

Will the post get me into trouble with my family, friends or the law?
     YES: Let’s assume I made it up.
     NO: See “YES” from previous question.

Will the post offend strangers?
     YES or NO: Not my problem. Adjust your thinking to respond positively or move on to another blog and forget it.

That off my chest, I hope you enjoy my future posts. Or not. Just read ‘em.