Friday, September 26, 2014

Me(at) vs. the Vegan I

That title probably makes it sound like i have an internal struggle with veganism. I do not. Even a little. I know what i am.

That said, what kind of vegan wears leather boots? Seriously?

I am at war with a "vegan" at my job. She doesn't know it. She doesn't know anything, apparently. I can't believe she's even real. This is the type of person i really do actually despise and it has nothing to do with veganism (which is something i don't believe in - probably because it's stupid or i don't understand it). I despise her because she is yet another example of someone who has nothing spectacular to share with the world and therefore has glommed onto an ideal which she believes makes her more interesting and better than others. In reality, she is a sanctimonious asshole who hasn't bothered to even read up on the thing that she says she is.

Vegans do not:
wear Dr. Martens.
eat 9 pieces of buttered garlic bread.
consume copious amounts of chocolate chip cookie bars while exclaiming, "These are TOO good!"
eat gummy anything.
lick the bowl of the meat-based pasta sauce i made and ask to take home any leftovers.
eat all the peanut butter and leave the knife gummed up with the stuff all stuck to the side of my sink - IF they like their patellas in their correct location.

And they certainly don't tell me how pretty my chicken salad is while lamenting that they cannot eat it after they just ate rice cakes containing FIVE animal by-products. ! And how very dare they say, "I'm a vegan with poor self-control."?! What you are, ma'am, is a dipshit who wishes she was a hipster with an angle. I say throw her to the real vegans - they'd gobble that shit up, EXCEPT real vegans don't eat animal by-products.

I'm starting all my soups with chicken stock this winter and finishing them with heavy whipping cream, so she'll have to pack her own lunch of gummy fruits, rice cakes, and chocolate chip bars.

No comments:

Post a Comment