Friday, January 17, 2014

Well i'll be an uncle's Aunt Barbara

The title has nothing to do with this post. That's just something i accidently said today because i can't swear at my jobs - little ears, you know. I was going to say the monkey's uncle thing but uncle came out first so i just rolled with it.

This post is about periods. Not the dots at the end of many sentences, the kind ladies have. You know, where they bleed and get dumb up in their brain buckets and say stupid shit about uncles. Anyway, this goddamn bullshit has been going on for precisely 2/3 of my life. I should be used to it - a motherfuckin' pro, right? Wrong. I still think tampons should click when they're in right. Here's something men may not understand (as if any read past the first sentence of this paragraph): When a woman has unwittingly failed to properly position that chapstick-sized tube of dry cotton inside her bits and, say, has a coughing or sneezing fit or something, it feels like your twat's getting ripped in half. It's world-blackening, head spinning torture. ~2056 days of perioding, which is roughly in the neighborhood of  8224 insertions, assuming one switches it up with pads as i do, and at least once a month i have to experience that gut wrenching agony. ADD A FUCKING CLICKER! A man has walked on the moon for cryin' in the mud, but no one has bothered to create a smart tampon.

Well i quit. Life. The Universe. Everything. I'm out. If anyone asked what happened, tell 'em i coughed for a while, kicked a puppy, and fucked off forever.

Later, boners.

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