Tuesday, February 4, 2014

10 Years

I woke up today very aware of the date but feeling good. I started off strong, even if i did decide to wear the locket that i barely wear anymore. I got a text from Reester Seester right off the bat that simply read "Love you." I didn't make a connection to the date and thought it was pretty random for so early and perhaps she meant to send it to her husband (failing to realize they would've been driving to work together at the time). Shortly thereafter i received a text from Momster reading "Hang in there, Moo. I know this is a tough week for you." I got a little catch in my throat there with the thought that what happened all those years ago still affects my parents. They lost something that day too.

Work went well on my first two shifts. I spent a little extra time in the baby room (by a little i mean half an hour versus 2 minutes). Yesterday i prepped all of lunch for today and instead of staying in the kitchen all day, i played with and read to the preschoolers for a majority of my shift. I was barely aware of how far out of my way i had gone to make that possible. It was almost like an unconcious tribute to SPK. By the time i got to the third shift of the day, i was highly oversensitive. Being around kids his age was tough, and i don't know why. And i don't know why i insist on saying "he". The sex was indeterminable. What i had wasn't actually a baby yet. A baby is a thing that can survive outside the womb. A baby is a boy or a girl (98% of the time). A baby has skin.

I love my life. I don't want children. But i guess, even if i ignore it 363 days a year (the actual due date is a doozie too), i still wonder what he would look like. Would he be funny, spastic and creative like me, or studious, moody and quiet like his father? Or some combination the world has never seen? Would he have bugged me into getting a dog?

Once upon a time i thought i'd never be okay. But i am. All he ever was was a dream - he's just one that doesn't fade.


  1. You confirm my suspicions that it will always hurt. I kinda knew that already: if it didn't matter, it wouldn't hurt so much, but they do and it does.

    I'm glad you were able to do something for yourself.

    1. Thank you. It's a differenty kind of hurt than the death of a person you got to know really well, but it's still pain. Time and perspective help. It's kind of like if you fell asleep for a really long time and fell in love with someone in your dream and then you woke up and found out they never existed in real life. The whole world isn't necessarily real life.