Thursday, February 6, 2014

The Truck. A True Story

Once upon the 90s, i knew a girl who ate like truck. This tall, slender, dark-haired beauty was graceful and, to me, so seemingly elegant. She also smoked like a chimney and had a tendency to eat piping-hot macaroni and cheese straight from the pan, with a wooden spoon, in about 4 bites. All while talking and smoking a cig.
Back in those days, i was living in my first apartment and going a little heavy on the freedom from my parents thing. We were all drinking our weekend meals and substituting after dinner mints with joints.
One special Friday night, a group of people, including The Truck, gathered at my place to get our drunk on. We pooled our money and came up with $72 which was enough for 5 bottles. When The Truck and her buddy returned with the booze, she had a bag from McDonald's. It was a "cheese bergie" she had gotten with the left over money. Her buddy also had a bag with him, but it was full of green stuff to share with everyone. It was understood that the bergie was only for The Truck.
We sat down in a circle on the living room floor. Before the first shots were even poured, The Truck tossed her food bag over her shoulder. "Are you not going to eat that?" I asked. To which she replied, "I already did." I admit, i was impressed - that was quick even for her.
Half hour later, we're all 3 or more shots in when the first joints get sparked up. One for clockwise, one for counterclockwise.

Let me just say right now, the events leading thus far might be hazy, or even incorrect. Friday or Saturday? $72? $52? Whatever. Hell, i can't necessarily remember exactly who all was there. All the things that come next, however, i can recall like they happened a minute ago. And, if you ask anyone else who was there, they would so back me up.

Anyway, a joint gets to The Truck. She hits it, holds it, and passes it along. As i myself am mid-hit, i hear the sharp intake of breath which signals the start of one of The Truck's famous coughing fits. I mean, she could make geese change direction midflight. For what else makes that noise but a tortured and dying goose?
So the signal comes but i am too engrossed with inhaling to look over. But the coughing fit doesn't come. Instead, it was just one loud, puncuated bark. And then silence - from everyone.
Silence, as we all ponder what has just magically appeared in the middle of our circle: a puddle of saliva with an intact cheeseburger dead center and with 2 whole fries stuck on for good measure. I didn't even know she'd had fries.
For 30 seconds, no one breathed. We look from the burger to The Truck. She's just sitting there, staring at the cheeseburger, with thee most transparent look on her face - Can i eat that again?
We all get our heads wrapped around what had just happened and start laughing insanely. One of my dear friends, whom i shall refer to here as The Mother, gives The Truck a dirty look and says, "Omigawd! You cannot eat that." and he proceeds to scoop the re-burger up with a towel just as The Truck reaches for it. Which only makes us laugh at an even more frenzied pitch.

And i just remember, she looked so sad.

Update bonus: The Truck still hitting the mac'n'cheese like boss, 17 years later!


  1. That is funny and disturbing with a heavy coating of disgusting..

  2. I MOST CERTAINLY WAS NOT going to eat it again!!! Love, The Truck