Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Cleaning My Room Makes Me Talk to Myself. Also, Breakfast

I'm pretty busy right now researching things like terrariums, aerographite, sugar skulls and leaves so I don't have a lot of time to work on rather long blog posts. Instead, today I will be posting a couple bits of the kind of crap that pops out of my mouth when I am cleaning my room at 4 in the morning, drunk, and watching crappy horror movies alone. The following garbage came flying out while watching Unborn:

"Aw, YEAH, lady! ... Did you just shoot him in the penis?! Nope - shot him in the chest. I guess I'm just a..." here I switched to singing "...MONSTER! Just a-shootin' off dicks like can-DEEE!!"
There was a whole lot of vibrato at the end.

And later:

"OH MY GLOB - it's biting her vagina off which can't be, so I retract that and instead yell '...biting off her vulva and maybe her pubis mons, but defs her labes!' That took way too long and she's dead already. Next time I'll just say pussy and cover all my bases."
I shouted that whole entire block of nonsense. Then I heard Cousin Roommate go to the bathroom and I knew I had woken him up, what with all the saying every single thought out loud and sometimes yelling and sometimes singing, so I shut my fat mouth.


Unrelated to drinking and cleaning at 4 am, here is how I ordered my breakfast the other day. Well, first I should explain that I had been camping and woke up to a massive thunderstorm which soaked everything except the inside of my sleeping bag. So even though it was freezing as we left, I had no choice but to wear the sundress i fell asleep in and a pair of pajama pants that were balled up in my sleeping bag with me. I was cold, partially drunk still and super tired.

Girl at counter (so perky I could've punched her): Welcome to Hardee's. What can I get for you?
Me (shivering uncontrollably): Schpishcuits.
GaC (cocks head to one side): I'm sorry?
Me (pointing at the picture): With gravy.
There is a long pause during which her smile starts to falter.
Me: Texas toast.
Gac: Ummmm. . . sausage, bacon, or ham?
Me: juice.....water.
At this point I bent down so I could put my head on the counter. It was all so difficult.
GaC: Soooo, you want biscuits and gravy, sausage texas toast sandwich, orange juice and water?
Me: Yeah, dude.

I got my food and was half done before my friends were done taking their hobo baths or washing their feet or whatever. They never saw a lady working there - all guys, they said. That's fine. I got my schpiscuits and that's all that matters.

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