Monday, August 12, 2013

I Might Actually Explode

I'll admit it. I'm not a genius-aire. I don't eat ideas for breakfast. I'm not a complete doofus, though, and I can handle most situations without exploding myself. Lately however, I have been dealing with one of the more difficult normal things. Most humans are like, "Oh, cool. I like someone and I'm going to ask her/him out." But I'm all panicky about what's the way I should go about it. Here's what my awesome fucking brain has come up with:

"Nice face. Seriously. I like it a lot. Can I stick mine on it?" (Alternatively, the last sentence can be replaced with, "Can I suck on it a bit?")

"I'm bored. Wanna make out for a while?"

"I dare you to be my boyfriend. I'll triple dog if I have to." Hmmm...that doesn't sound right.

Anyway, liking people is the pits. It's so undignified. I prefer to have the other person take the reins. Not because I'm a lady and I feel it's not my duty, but because A) I hate almost puking when I talk, 2) the only time in adulthood I made the first move, I ended up with a Rock Star girlfriend who broke my brain, and C) did i mention the puking thing?

I'll keep double swallowing until I get this. Hopefully my brain will give me something better to work with before my bile eruption is under control.

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